WEEK THIRTY

So it was the morning after the night before – and I was still out. Ooops. You know something has gone wrong (or indeed very right!) when you end up getting a train home at 8am. And then throwing up on it. Not my proudest moment. So, it was my day-off, and thank god. When me and Will got home (Toni had decided to continue the night!) I pretty much went straight to sleep. I think I woke up to get a drink a couple of hours later, and still felt awful, so went back to bed. I slept for a further 5 hours, and then Toni arrived home (Hard core!). I then fell asleep for a couple more hours, and finally dragged myself out of bed at 5pm. I got as far as the sofa, and then settled down to watch some David Attenborough in my rather fragile state. Will was feeling much the same so didn’t protest at all! When we had finally built up enough strength to make dinner we had a feast of mash, peas and tomato gravy. Strange as it may sound, it hit the spot perfectly. We had a couple of puddings – tinned pineapple, and then rice pudding and jam. How obvious is it that we had no real food in the house? After a few good hours spent in front of the tele, it was time for bed again. Although it had been a complete waste of a day off, I was starting to feel slightly more human by the time I went to sleep.

When I woke up again, I was feeling much better, still not quite normal, but better than before. Little victories! Toni was finally awake too, so we went out to get some grub - me and Will had finished all the remaining food in the house the night before! The closest place is ‘Frederick on Hyde’ – which is a proper dodgy greasy spoon, but seems to be popular with people who wear hi-vis clothing. So, we went for an adventure to get an egg roll, and then straight home again! That was enough! The eggs rolls were fantastic, and also dirt cheap, which was nice, and we even got some milk off them, so we could have cups of tea. It all seemed such a chore at the time, but it was so worth it! I really did very little for the next few hours, and just moped about the house. When the time came to go to work I was starving again, and so got a Farmer’s Union and a Snickers – I don’t think I have ever demolished food so quickly. It was ridiculous! But well appreciated. Kind of! Work was a quiet night – no one seems to go out at all on a Tuesday night, but for once I didn’t mind that I had nothing to do – it was just what I needed, and it was one of my short shifts. After work I went home. I didn’t even care if anyone else was going out, the idea of alcohol made me feel quite queasy.  So I went home.

When I woke up on Wednesday I finally didn’t feel like crap – it felt like it had been so long! Despite this, I still didn’t do much before work! I did consider going to the gym, not for very long, but I decided for the sake of my newly better tummy I would leave it! Ha! That was my excuse anyway. At work the feeling finally came over me that I was over this festival. I didn’t have a chance to see any shows, and I barely got to see anyone throughout the duration of the night. The one bonus of my crap night at work was that I was given lots of Mentos by one of the bar guys who kept walking past. Not all bad then, I suppose. I also had a little nap too – I think this was vital to save me from the dire boredom of the corridor! After work I decided to go and have a drink in Hi-Fi. So, I had a few beers, and chatted to some people, and drank some more beer for the next few hours, and then when Will was finally finished work we had one more beer, and then went home – it seemed remarkably civilised at 3am! At least it was still dark.

I assumed that work was going to be as uneventful as all the other nights, but thankfully, no. Half-way through the third show, the producer of the show came out, and let me know that I had to get security, to help get someone out of the audience. Always a joy. We managed to get her out of the room, with a little persuasion, and then she burst into tears! I don’t think I’ve ever made someone cry at work before – apart from the child on Christmas Eve because I wouldn’t let them have a go on a slide. Ha! OK, I’ve probably made quite a few kids cry, but this was definitely the first adult! And so, with the security guard on their way, we slowly ushered her away from the venue, and towards the door. And then she started crying even harder, and explaining how terrible the situation was. It was pretty tragic, but we kept slowly shepherding her out of the building, and eventually reached the door. We had one more little breakdown from her, and then we finally got her out the door – at least it was a little bit of excitement for the night. The rest of the night was pretty dull compared to that! This was actually the most exciting night I had though. I did learnt the problem with having a radio not working – when asked to get security, instead of using the radio, you have to run. And that was what I did! Always a first! Haha!

I was in for another trick the next night, and it was the first time two shows in one night sold out. Amazing – I almost did enough work to earn my pay. Almost. Instead, the main thing I did all night was do some writing, and waste time writing random lists. The last comedian I have, drinks a couple of pints on stage, however, as she had a rough night the day before, I was asked to get a bucket – just in case. With the possibility of someone throwing up, I sat in and watched the show. I haven’t had a chance to see any shows, apart from the ones in my room, and so I was treated to a puppet show about the start of Scouts – complete with profanities. It may not seem that funny, but after my drought of comedy – I loved it! She wasn’t actually sick, which is probably a good thing really. After work I went down to the Spiegeltent to find Will, and watch some of ‘Ali McGregor’s Late Night Variety Nite Night’ – I think that’s right – and after conning my way past the security people, I found Will, got a drink, and sat down to enjoy the show. I saw Asher Treleaven (doing some amazing Diablo-ing), The List Operators (utter shite – after so many good reviews…), some amazing aerial ribbon stuff (done by a beautiful man!), and then finally naked skipping – and she had painted eyes on her boobs!! Hilarious! Once everything had been packed up, we all went to the bar next door, and had many drinks. I decided, for the first time in a while that I would have Baileys – and I forgot how damned good it was! So we spent the rest of the night drinking and chatting – mainly about Edinburgh festival, which was weird! I really have to try and sort my job out for that!! Once the bar closed, and the crazy carnies had finished their bottle of champagne, we were kicked out onto the street. By the time we got home it was 4am, and I finally crawled into bed an hour after that! At least I made it home.

I decided to take the dogs out in the morning the next day – to blow the wind out of my hair, and take them for a run! When I was in the park, I went to get a bag out to pick up poo, and felt something squishy. It was a poo in a bag – which must have been there at least for a day! Yuck!!! Not nice! After the dogs decided they had run enough (or at least Turnip had!) we went home, and I get ready for another thrilling night at work. It was boring. Nothing more to say. I went to Hi-Hi afterwards to try and dull the boredom I had, and watched a bit of comedy, Tommy Little was fantastic, and then Dave Callan came on, and I decided enough was enough – finished my drink, and left. I went to the Spiegeltent to meet Will again, as he had a cab charge, and I had stayed out past the last train! I was a bit early, so just sat down, and waited. When he turned up, we were all ready to get another drink, and then Will decided he couldn’t be bothered, and we got a taxi! Sociable bunnies that we are! I fell asleep on the sofa that night, which although the location was normal, I was still dressed, the TV was still on, and the dogs were still in. Ooops!

As it was Sunday I decided to have pancakes for brekkie! What a way to start the day! Then I helped out in the garden, strimmed the grass, climbed a ladder, and scratched the foamy stuff off the inside of the door frame, in preparation for the painting. Me and Will were due to start work at the same time, so we both walked to Yarraville together, and then both found out that there were no trains. So, it was a bus to Footscray, and then a train from there. Despite this, I actually managed to get to work on time, and have just enough time to get one of my lovely $1 cups of tea. The enxt few hours were uneventful, and boring. Done. Another day ticked off! I went to Hi-Fi afterwards, and swiftly got myself a drink. There was a great show on (Haus Party) and so I spent the next few hours, drinking, and chatting, and watching hot men in small shorts doing comedy – I’m sure there were other things in the night, but it all seemed to be surpassed by a rather emotional rendition of Wendy Ho’s ‘F@&k Me’. We all decided to go home at 2am, which seemed pretty reasonable – sadly I didn’t get to sleep till 4am though! Need to start going to sleep at a normal time!

One more week of the Comedy Festival finished, and only one more to go. For once I’m not getting all nostalgic about the end of it – I cannot wait for it to be over! Then I won’t have to sit in a drafty corridor for five hours a night. Thank God! 

WEEK TWENTY-NINE

So it was my first full week at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, and it started with a day off, which was quite nice really. Although I had only been working for four days, I was already starting to miss y evenings, and crave proper food. Not good at the start of a festival! I’d just had rubbish luck trying to find anywhere good near work that actually sold nice food! Shouldn’t be too much to ask! I got up relatively early, and got to work on my bit of wood – it’s the bit I got from Tasmania, and now I am going to attempt to make it look pretty! Hmmm, could be interesting. Sadly I didn’t last long at it this time – I scored a massive mark across it with the edge of the sander, and I stormed off in the huff, vowing the burn the bloody thing. Patience may be a virtue, but I do not have it! So, I left it alone for the rest of the day, and Will managed to fix my rookie mistake. With that taken care of, I was free to play around on my computer! I spent the evening being very geeky, and trying to organise my trip to the ‘Jacobite’ train back at home – the train they used in the harry Potter films.! Told you it was geeky! I didn’t get very far with that though, as I still have no idea where or when I am going to be working at the Fringe, so I gave up, and booked my flights to Amsterdam instead! I’m going when I am home, just for a few days, and my plan was to go with someone (my ex – but before he was my ex!) and decided that may not be such a good idea, so invited Rebecca and Daniel along. Much better. As they had both agreed to it I just jumped the gun a bit, and booked the flights. It was only £70, and I might be able to get free accommodation – which will be nice if it happens! The other two weren’t ready to book their tickets though, as they have to sort out grown-up stuff, like holiday-time from work, and all that kind of stuff, so currently I am actually going to be going on my own! Fingers crossed they can come! In the evening my craving was satisfied, and we all had a proper dinner, on a proper plate, with cutlery. It even had proper veggies in it – all very exciting!

I woke up relatively early(ish) to the smell of cooking, and was treated to an egg sandwich, courtesy of Toni. How lovely! Sadly, despite my early start I didn’t get up to much else until the time I had to go to work. I did go out and inspect my bit of wood, and it does look much better now Will had attacked it with a belt-sander! Maybe I should trust him on this one…ha! Work was actually relatively exciting, although I missed the actual event. Some stupid punter was texting during the show, and the comedian picked up on it, and called her rude. Apparently this was unacceptable, and the punter, and her friend then sat glaring for the next 20 minutes. Hilarious. Anyway, the punter then complained (embellishing her story somewhat, and somehow adding that I was also rude to her – interesting, considering I wasn’t there!) and got a refund. Bloody ridiculous – if you play on your phone during a show, expect to get picked on! However, this was not the lady’s opinion. It was a shorter shift than normal too – I like the fact I only have four shows sometimes! So, I finished at a semi-reasonable hour, and went to try and find the ‘Trades Hall’, which was where Toni, and some other people were drinking. I got directions, and was also told it was 2 blocks away – I’m not entirely sure what they counted as a block, but I walked for much further than I thought I’d have to, and eventually, found it. I just had to find how to get in. That cost me another 5 minutes or so, and when I got up the stairs I found a massive queue. Boring. Thank god I had my staff pass and could get past them all! So, I had a few beers there, and then when everyone else left, me and Toni headed back down the road to the Hifi to wait for Will. We were well past the time for the last train, so we were relying on his cab-charge to get us home! This did mean we could have a couple of beers, and waste time. Lovely. At some silly time in the morning we all piled into the taxi, and were off home.

On Wednesday I was ready to face the bit of wood again, and I spent some time making a mess in the garage, and eventually managed to get back to the same point I was at on Monday, before the incident. It was starting to look pretty good, and much better than I thought it would – but there is still a long way to go, and after inhaling what I considered a reasonable amount of sawdust, I decided enough was enough. I was also covered in it head to toe, and in desperate need of a shower. At least I hadn’t wrecked it anymore! Work was the same, I did decided to take in my journal though – may as well do something productive in my many hours in a corridor! I was grateful that it was a shorter shift though – I don’t think I’ll ever complain about it!

By the time Thursday had come around I was already starting to feel like I was over the whole festival, but a mere 3 weeks to go. I’ve never had to do two festivals that are pretty much back-to-back, and the feeling of apathy had set in. Not good. Luckily, I was lifted out of my little slump, by one of my friends who came to see me in my hallway, and so I at least had company for a while, and it wasn’t quite so mind-numbingly boring! I also got chatting to one of the artists, who was telling me about the NGV – I thought I had been before, but apparently I have only been to the little offshoot museum – I’ll have to find the real one at some point! But, apparently it’s a lovely place to sit and have your lunch, so I’ll go next time I am in City fro pleasure and not work. I don’t think it would be so relaxing if I was thinking about having to go to work. I also got told about an op-shop, which I was told was great, and as soon as I told Toni the name of it, she turned her nose up at it! Maybe it’s not so good after all! I’ll still have to go and explore it one day! Once I had finished work, I was putting all my stuff back in the office, and got talking to my friend from Scotland. Turns out she is living in Yarraville at the moment – it really is scary how small the world is! So, we both got the train home together, and had a big catch up on the way! Fantastic! As well as the normal stuff, she also told me that a couple of night before she had seen someone getting the crap kicked out of them at Yarraville Station – not scary at all! I always thought Yarraville was a lovely little safe place! Obviously not! Anyway, I didn’t have to worry that night, as Toni was also on the train, and had brought the car! Hurray! So, we could zoom home – past the servo so we could pick up the essentials of milk, and bread. How do we get through it so quickly?

I was woken up the next morning by Joey jumping on my face, which was the first time she had done that in months, but, it is still a horrible way to wake up! I stayed sitting at the kitchen table for a majority of the day, trying to get some writing, done, but in actuality, just making, and drinking far too many cups of tea. I had also convinced myself that I could get a bit of cake in Yarraville if I survive until then on tea. It worked, and I had just enough time to quickly scan the cake display, and decide on a caramel slice. Sadly, after the 4-hour build up in my head it was no where near as good as it could have been, and to be honest, rather revolting, as they put coconut in the base of it. Gutting! I wont be going back to that café! Good job there are about 5 others in the village! After my disappointing cake I got myself a $1 cup of tea for the 7/11, which did the job of slightly cheering me up – and re-fueling the caffeine – it had been 40 minutes since my last cuppa! It was finally starting to get slightly busy in my venue, and for one of the comedians, we were one seat of selling out – not bloody bad! I also had the joys of stupid people just not listening to me, and doing what they want – one day I’ll kick someone out for being a twat! Haha! But, at least it was getting a bit busier – I was still able to do a lot of writing whilst I was there though! May as well use my time wisely!

I did very little before work the next day, apart from drink tea and procrastinate from the things I was meant to be doing. Hmmm, productive! Work was also, much the same as before, apart from one important factor – one of the shows finally sold out!! Thank god! I had a proper queue an everything – I probably shouldn’t have been quite so excited, but it was the first time in over a week! And, I think the person who got it, deserved it the most – although I have no favourites. Yet. After work I was feeling a bit rubbish, so phoned Mum for a cheer-up chat, sadly, she was in need of one too, so we just had a good old bitch and a moan at each other! Not exactly what I wanted, but it did the trick! After that however I did have a long chat with The Doctor, but sadly still no news about Amsterdam. Shame! Ah well, it was a great little gossip – it had been 6 months since we last spoke, so you can probably guess how long the phone call was! Hurray for Skype!

Work was the same again. But, as it was Sunday, no fun of a sold out show. It was a shorter shift which was nice, but at the end of it I was just going to go home, but found out Will and Toni were staying out for a bit so I went to meet up with them. That’s about all I can remember from it all, apart form the fact I bumped into two of my friends, and accepted a job at Edinburgh Fringe. Not sure what I’ll be doing there….Safe to saw the rest of the night included 3 pubs, about 10 Comedy Festival staff and a lot of alcohol.